You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
