why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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