She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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