I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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