guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
