Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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