I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
