So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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