your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
