i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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