The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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