I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have already put on my inside pants.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
