Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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