ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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