So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
