...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
did you just send me my own nude
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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