I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
