Moan for me like Helen Keller
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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