So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sober January is a disaster.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
