Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
