I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
