I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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