I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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