woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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