she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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