I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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