that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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