hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
