i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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