Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
3 2 1 whiskey
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
