I got chris browned last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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