You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
