Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize