i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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