i'm signing you up for texting rehab
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
