I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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