Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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