I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
