um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
