my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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