So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
