I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
