Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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