he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
