Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
