I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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