what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
