I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
