I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
did i just pee glitter
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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