I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
