So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
