i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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