What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
